Busy, Busy, Busy

Sometimes I wonder. . . I want to spend time with husband, I want to spend time with my daughter, I want to keep the house clean, I need to keep paying bills, I want to keep up with the laundry, I want to finish unpacking (we moved over a year ago), I want to organize the garage. . . I barely have time to blog as much as I like (or need to to be successful), so if that is true for me, is it true for others?  Who possibly has time to sit down and actually read my blogs and then. . . are they even worth reading????

Neglect

I feel like there is so much that I have to do that I have to neglect some things.  I can't give 100% in all areas of my life so I feel like a slacker in all areas of my life. Being a mom is a full time job.  It isn't fair that I also have to actually have a full time job.  Being a homemaker and mother is enough of a responsibility.  So, as I sit here blogging, I am neglecting my child, my house, and even work (yes, teachers have stuff to do on the weekend though they don't get paid for it).  All in the hopes that perhaps one day, one of my blogs will become successful enough that I can make a living blogging.  It has happened with others.  Why not me?  I should be so lucky.

Write

I love writing.  I can be good at it.  I've thought about what I could write about.  Could I write a book?  But about what?  I used to have so many ideas and now I can't think of any.  Driving in the car my thoughts wondering and think about plots and characters but nothing pans out.  Writing digital books could be an option for me, I just need to have ideas to write about!

Videos

I've thought about creating my own YouTube videos but I have no idea what kind of videos to make.  Who would want to watch me and what could I contribute that would attract a following?  Ahhh, the ultimate question. . . I guess I'll never know unless I try.  The only problem is, I don't know what to try. 

Struggling

After struggling to try to make enough money from home I realized it was necessary to leave the house and get a job.  As much as I really want to be home with my child, I need to help with the bills.  Why can't I get paid to raise my own kid?

I haven't given up.  I am more determined than ever.  I am writing articles, blogging, selling lesson plans, and continuing as a Paparazzi Consultant - all in my "spare" time.  How much "spare" time can a teacher/parent/wife have?  Not much. . . but I am determined to try and I pray I succeed.

Cleaning Up

To continue with my ant story. . .

Finding those ants happened in the morning.  Due to my daughter's outburst at seeing the ants, I avoided checking to see if I had killed them all.  I should have checked during her nap and worked on it then, but I did not.  After her nap we went to my parents' house.  When we came home I put her down for bed and I started cleaning.  Then I got distracted by my idea of starting this blog.  By the time I was ready to go to bed, it was really late (or should I say early in the morning?).

At that time I decided to check on the ant situation before I went to bed.  UGH!  They were everywhere in our bedroom and I had to spend the next 2 hours trying to get rid of them!  I should have taken care of it during her nap!

Why didn't my husband help with the ant situation you ask?  Well, I told him to go sleep on the couch because he had to get up early for work and I did not.  If he did not have to work early the next morning he would have helped, as he had done many times in the past.  But since I was on summer break and wasn't working I thought I'd let him sleep.

Ants

So the day I started this blog, I found some ants in our bedroom.  We had been having a battle with the ants for several months.  We'd find them, get rid of them. clean the area extremely well, and put down talc to avoid them from returning.

On this particular day I was so upset.  I had no idea where they were coming from.  I was sick of trying to stay on top of those pests.  I was saying things like, "Where do they keep coming from." "I can't believe it."
UGH."  As my husband puts it, I was getting emotional about it.

My daughter has seen ants before.  She has noticed them before we do.  She points at them and says, "Ants, ants."  I then try to kill all of them while she stands by laughing.  Sometimes she'll even try to step on them.

This time, a of a sudden she started freaking out.  She was border line hysterical.  I feared I had turned my normally curious child into a ant fearing one. I tried showing her how big she was and I tried stepping on ants and I told her to step on ants with me but she was too terrified to do anything.  What had I done? I traumatized my daughter for life!

Apparently I was over exaggerating because the next day (when we found more ants) she didn't seem so upset at all.  I just can't get upset when I see those ants (at least when she is around).

Dogs

My husband and I are not dog lovers.  As a matter of fact we had a real fear of dogs when we were younger.  We did not want our daughter to be afraid of dogs.  So, whenever I saw dogs or puppies, I excitedly showed them to my daughter.

My daughter LOVES dogs!  I hope I don't have to break her heart one day, because if she ever asks to have a pet dog or puppy I will have to say no.  I know it's the parents who end up taking care of the pets. The kids say they will do all the work but it is the parents who have the responsibility of making sure it gets done when the kids fail to do their job.

In the meantime she is content playing with other people's dogs!

Sleep Overs

My nephew spent the night at our house a few weeks ago.  He is about 6 years older than my daughter (who is two years old).  My daughter didn't know he was spending the night.  All she knew was that she had a friend to play with.

The two of them played happily until it was time to go to bed and then my daughter didn't want to have anything to do with that.  I told the kids to pick out books to read.  My daughter pointed at the door of her playroom and shouted at me, "Share!"

After we read scriptures, read books, prayed, and sang a song I told my daughter to give her cousin a hug and a kiss.  I told him he was going to go to bed too.  She got so upset!  She did not want him to sleep in her crib.  All of a sudden she couldn't wait to go to bed.  She had to claim her crib for herself before her 8 year old cousin took it from her!

"Play Dates"

Is it bad that I look forward to watching another person's child at home with my daughter?  I look forward to  my daughter playing with another child.  She demands less of my attention and I can get more things done in a day.

Sharing

My daughter is learning what sharing means.  She hasn't quite got the concept yet, but she is trying.

She loves coloring with me.  However, if I have a color she wants, she takes it from me.  If I am coloring where she wants to color, she moves my hand.  The truth of the matter is, I usually don't care what I am coloring or with which colors, but I have to teach her to share and to take turns.  Sometimes I forget to do that.

She discovered a Sesame Street episode that talked about sharing and it was her favorite thing to watch for weeks.  She watched it dozens of times.  After watching the show for a while, she changed her tactics.  Now, instead of just taking the crayon from me, she will look right into my face and say, "share," then take the crayon away from me.

Be Happy

I know there are stay at home moms who are lucky enough to be able to afford to not work who feel guilty about wanting to work.  It is important for everyone to feel fulfilled.  Just because my greatest desire is to be a stay at home mom, that doesn't mean everyone has to have the same desire as me.  Everyone needs to feel happy with their life.  If there is a stay at home mom who feels that she needs to do something for herself, to be with adults, to do something "productive" (not that being a homemaker isn't productive) in order for her to be happy, she ought to do it.  It doesn't need to be full time.  Just a little something to remind her that she is more than just, "Mommy."

It's like the sign my mother had on our wall growing up, "If Mommy ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

Gotta Pay Those Bills

I spend my days writing online articles, blogging, job searching, promoting my home party business, finding students to tutor, and any other odd jobs I can find.  I feel like I am neglecting my daughter.  I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't for the fact that I'm just going to be leaving her again!  If I end up having to go back to work come August then I am going to be regretting all the time I spend trying to find lucrative ways to work from home instead of spending more quality time with her.

There is still time.  Who knows what could happen.  That perfect job could just land in my lap in the nick of time.  One of my blogs could take off and earn me some money.  I could get some people on my Paparazzi Accessories team and my home party business could boom.

Though I still feel at peace with the decision I made, I still worry about how all those bills are going to be paid.

A Teacher By Profession

I am a teacher by profession.  I love teaching.  As my husband reminds me, no other job gives me the same amount of days off in a year to be at home with my daughter.  On the other hand a teacher spends all of her days off trying to improve herself (or himself) as a teacher all for the benefit of her (or his) students.

Teachers have 8 clock hours just like any other profession but with the added expectations of parent-teacher conferences, lesson planning, and grading papers (to say the least).  However it is impossible to be an effective teacher and complete all the lesson planning, grade all the papers, and contact all the parents within those allotted 8 hours due to the fact that most of that time is spent actually teaching students.  Therefore most of the "free time" teachers have is used up in completing the responsibilities of being a teacher.

That was fine and dandy when I was single.  I love teaching so preparing to teach during my free time wasn't so much of a burden.  Then I got married.  My husband understood I had things to do and though it cut into our time together he was understanding.  Now that I am a mother it is more difficult for me to take that time I am supposed to be with her and use it to become a better teacher.

I was spreading myself thin and I wasn't happy.  As much as I loved being a teacher, I missed my daughter more.  Being a mother was all I ever wanted to be.  The only thing getting me through the school year was knowing I wasn't going to return.

Now it is the summer.  I am loving being at home with my daughter.  I love the cooking, the cleaning, and doing the laundry.  The only problem is I have to continue to make the same amount of money I was making as a teacher and I haven't been able to find any stay at home or work from home jobs that would fit the bill (or pay the bills rather).  As August approaches I am beginning to fear I'll have to once again leave my daughter and spend my days with other people's children instead of my own.

I feel at peace with my decision to not renew my teaching contract.  As much as I have no idea how all our bills will be paid in August, I am at peace with my choice.  Being a religious person I know that God has approved my choice and has a plan for me.  I just wish I knew what it was.